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GeoExpat  Hong Kong Guide Profiles Hemlock Hong Kongs Most Obnoxious Expat
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Hemlock Hong Kongs Most Obnoxious Expat |
.gif) Suffering from Irritable Gwailo Syndrome? Don’t worry: that’s normal! A visit to Hemlock’s website may bring comfort in the knowledge you are not alone. Work-dodging expats have browsed its pages on company time since 2002. Cunningly simple web design hides an acerbic mix of satire and pointed observations on life here in the Big Lychee.
The journal has been condemned as ‘the ravings of Hong Kong’s most unpleasant and obnoxious expat’. It’s not clear whether Samuel Pepys suffered the same sort of reviews, but then 17th-century London was little match for the combined psychological impact of Hello Kitty sex toys, hunter-killer secretaries, Nostril Ambassadors and dispossessed New Territories denizens scheming to kill taxpayers in their beds.
Pete Spurrier asked a few questions of the mysterious and
erudite Hemlock, an early pioneer of Hong Kong blogging.
Hemlock’s Diary has been online now for the best part of four years. What gave you the impetus to share insights with your readers, and what do you gain from it?
It’s part of a grand plan. Phase 1: Start writing an online diary. Phase 2: Gain a worldwide following. Phase 3: Charge a subscription fee, sell advertising, make millions. Phase 4: Make more millions by selling Hemlock brand apparel to the trendy young folk. Phase 5: Pay someone else to write it.
Phase 1 is going very well.
Reading your journal entries, I’m impressed by your expert analysis of Hong Kong affairs. Is this due to your daily interactions with commuters on the Mid-Levels Escalator?
Definitely. People unfortunate enough not to live in the Mid-Levels probably think the Escalator is just a piece of transport infrastructure – like the MTR, but on a hill and outdoors and you can’t sit down. But it’s actually a catalyst for political change. It provides a unique forum for the chattering classes. These people are the salt of the Hong Kong earth. The disenfranchised taxpayers who have to shoulder the burdens of the civil service, the cartels and the welfare recipients. They don’t read sport or listen to pop music. They think and talk, and every morning on the Escalator they are plotting. One way or another, the middle class in Hong Kong are going to get a fairer deal. I don’t know whether it will involve violence and people hanging from meat hooks, or whether the oligarchs will go quietly, but I do know it will start on the Mid-Levels Escalator. And it will be televised.
You are described by some as ‘Hong Kong’s most obnoxious expat’. Surely there’s some stiff competition?
There are some utterly loathsome ones. There are the ones with tattoos and metal studs in their faces. There are ones who wet themselves because of MSG, ask “what’s in this” every three minutes when eating dim sum, or are so precious they can’t drink the tap water. And there are the ones who beat their wives, run off with the amah, and their nine-year-old daughter slashes her wrists. And then there the ones who have to carry on watching the same TV they did ‘back home’, when they could take the opportunity to cut themselves free from that rubbish.
You get the newly arrived ones who can’t work out how to walk in a crowd or sneer when the rest of us jab the button repeatedly to get the elevator moving. And you get the ones who’ve been here for decades and still have no cash at the end of every month. And then you get the ones who discover the rich diversity of Asia by vacationing at identical beach resorts in Bali, Thailand, the Philippines and Malaysia.
But they are all wonderful in their own ways.
I understand you come from the UK. What drove you from Stonegallows Hall to take up employment at S-Meg Holdings in the SAR?
You’ve never met my family, have you?
No. On that subject, you appear to be a respectable bachelor. But I’d like to know the truth about your relationship with the shapely, delectable Winky Ip.
I never think of myself as a bachelor, just sane. But anyway… Winky and I have one of those deep, platonic relationships, where souls touch but anything carnal just isn’t thinkable – like a brother and sister, perhaps. We’re far closer to each other than to anyone else, or to anyone we’re ever likely to meet. It would be a deeply tragic and moving story if we were nicer people.
Finally, you’ve stated your intention to run for the Legislative Council in 2008. What’s your election platform?
Very dry fiscal stuff. Basically, I want to redefine the tax base in such a way that decent people who aren’t irritating, pay less. It involves taxes on barking dogs, racing car-type spoilers on ordinary cars, fat children eating ice cream, skin whitening products, personal stereos that make a ‘pss pss pss’ noise, and most mobile phone ring tones. It’s going to be a very long list.
Hemlock’s Diary is at http://www.geocities.com/hkhemlock/papers.html.
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