[Jlite]

A Bus comes to a stop at a bus stop and two foreign men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanised when she hears one of the men say the following:"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time".

"You foul-mouthed, sex-obsessed SWINE," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!!!"

"Hey coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

[SarahFromAus]

Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up
and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can't see them when you're in space?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no-one would eat?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly
things here and drink whatever comes out'?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he
fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but not to their crotch
when they ask where the toilet is?

[SarahFromAus]

* It is impossible to lick your elbow.
* A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.
* A shrimp's heart is in its head.
* In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported
a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand.
* It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
* A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
* More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
* Horses can't vomit.
* The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue
twister in the English language.
* If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze,
you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you keep your eyes
open by force, they can pop out.
* Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.
* Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
* If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211
of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S.
citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
* In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
* A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
* 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and
photocopying their butts.
* Most lipstick contains fish scales.
* Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
* Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

[Jlite]

A WOMAN standing in line at the Post Office sees a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter, methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. As each one is stamped, he takes out a perfume bottle, sprays them, and drops them down the mail slot.

Her curiosity getting the better of her, she asks him what he's doing.
"Well," he says, "I'm sending out Valentines cards."

"Just how many women do you know?"

"Ummm, well, they're not from me, they're from 'A Secret Admirer.'"

"And why?" pursues the woman.

"It's my job," the guy mutters. "I'm a divorce lawyer."

[Jlite]

A MAN goes into a cinema with his dog to watch a film. It's a romantic comedy and when there's a funny scene the dog starts laughing.

A little later on there's a sad part and suddenly the dog starts crying.

This goes on throughout the entire film, laughing and crying at all the right places. A man sitting a few rows back has witnessed the entire thing and decides to follow the man out.

In the foyer, he approaches the dog owner and says: "Your dog is truly amazing!"

"He certainly is," the dog owner replied. "He hated the book!"

[kombuchakid]

Tonight at 2100 the joke that ATV has been playing on HK will end.

For the last 40 days [at least] each and every ad break on both its channels have carried a snippet of their MOVIE OF THE MONTH-GLADIATOR. It got so bad that about the only programme I would watch was Letterman and even there The MOTM-G would turn up even at 2.00am

So tonight is the time to return the favour Don't watch MOTM-G

anone remember the stunt pulled by Mercedes Benz a few years back?
They sponsered a series which had no ad breaks. 60 minutes of blissful viewing

[kostas]

LOL.. that was a good one Even though they mispelled Mt. Athos