[kombuchakid]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars
for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you
this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get
just to stay alive"

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?"
the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20
years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of
food?" the man asked. "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?!!"
exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you
for doing that?

I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like
who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex.

[sweetpea]

I'm back in Toronto!!

And the answer... it's a coffin!

[kombuchakid]

A for arthritis,
B for bad back,
C is for chest pains. Perhaps cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.

F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention)
H high blood pressure [I'd rather have low)
I for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, that now fail to flex

L for libido--what happened to sex?
Wait! I forgot about K!
K is for my knees that crack when they're bent
(Please forgive me, my Memory ain't worth a cent)

N for neurosis, pinched nerves and stiff neck
O is for osteo-and all bones that crack
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few
Give me another pill; I'll be good as new!

Q is for queasiness. Fatal or flu?
R is for reflux--one meal turns into two
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S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears
T for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears
U is for urinary: difficulties with flow
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy", you know.
W is worry, now what's going 'round?
X is for X ray--and what might be found.

Y for another year I've left behind
Z is for zest that I still have my mind,
Have survived all the symptoms my body's deployed,
And kept twenty-six doctors gainfully employed!!!

[Jlite]

A driver comes to a stop at the back of a traffic jam on a motorway and he winds his window down.



He sees a policeman walking between the cars and calls him over.



Driver: “What’s the problem officer?”



Policeman: “There’s a lawyer up front parked across and blocking the motorway. He says that because of his job everyone hates him. His wife has left him because she can’t deal with the shame anymore and has taken their two children with her. He says that he’s going to douse himself with petrol (gas) and set himself on fire. I’m just walking around trying to get a collection for him.”



Driver: “Oh, how much have you collected?”



Policeman: “About fifty litres so far but we’ve still got a few folks still siphoning.”

:rofl:

[Jlite]

TWO tourists were driving through Wales.

As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee,"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?, Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

[Jlite]

FIRST the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.

Then he said to himself: "There's something he's needing."

After casting about for a suitable pearl, he kept messing around and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender, round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.

Two lovely hips to increase his desire and rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud, commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.

Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you, and two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.

Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder, and two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.

'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.

Then he added a mouth...and ruined the whole thing.

[JPMeaney]

Take on US political parties:

Elephants Vs. Donkeys

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's MY fault.

[Jlite]

DOCTOR Darren had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty
all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself,
trying to reassure him: "Darren, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go...."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Darren, you're a vet...."

[Jlite]

ON reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him.

He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks: "And get me a whisky you cow."

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls: "And get me another whisky you useless tart."

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrot's approach: "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now."

Next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards, the parrot turns to him and says: "For someone who can't fly, you’re pretty lippy."

[kombuchakid]

50. Act naturally

49. Found missing

48. Resident alien

47. Advanced BASIC

46. Genuine imitation

45. Airline Food

44. Good grief

43. Same difference

42. Almost exactly

41. Government organization

40. Sanitary landfill

39. Alone together

38. Legally drunk

37. Silent scream

36. British fashion

35. Living dead

34. Small crowd

33. Business ethics

32. Soft rock

31. Butt Head

30. Military Intelligence

29. Software documentation

28. New York culture

27. New classic

26. Sweet sorrow

25. Childproof

24. "Now, then ..."

23. Synthetic natural gas

22. Christian Scientists

21. Passive aggression

20. Taped live

19. Clearly misunderstood

18. Peace force

17. Extinct Life

16. Temporary tax increase

15. Computer jock

14. Plastic glasses

13. Terribly pleased

12. Computer security

11. Political science

10. Tight slacks

9. Definite maybe

8. Pretty ugly

7. Twelve-ounce pound cake

6. Diet ice cream

5. Rap music

4. Working vacation

3. Exact estimate

2. Religious tolerance

1. Microsoft Works