[Max]

THE MOODS OF A WOMAN


An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.


THE MOODS OF A MAN


Hungry.
Horny.
Sleepy.

[Hiten]

Cows & Economics

TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies and the economy grows. You retire on the income.

INDIAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows. You worship them.

PAKISTAN ECONOMICS

You don't have any cows. You claim that the Indian cows belong to you.

AMERICAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows. You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You profess surprise when the cow drops dead. You put the blame on some nation with cows & naturally that nation will be a danger to mankind. You wage a war to save the world and grab the cows.

FRENCH ECONOMICS

You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

GERMAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows. You reengineer them so that they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.

BRITISH ECONOMICS

You have two cows. They are both mad cows.

ITALIAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows. You don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

SWISS ECONOMICS

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

JAPANESE ECONOMICS

You have two cows. You redesign them so that they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cute cartoon cow images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

RUSSIAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 17 cows. You give up counting and open another bottle of vodka.

CHINESE ECONOMICS

You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest anyone reporting the actual numbers.

IRANIAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows. You choose one of them as the leader of your country and the other one as the president.

:rofl:

[kombuchakid]

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1106
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Sylvie Krin




THE STORY SO FAR: Seeking peace, solitude and spiritual illumination, Charles makes a pilgrimage to the remote Greek monastery on Mount Bathos.
Now read on...

CHARLES climbed the last of the seven thousand, four hundred and eighty-four steps cut into the rock face, which for centuries had led pilgrims up from the sandy shore to the holiest spot in the Greek world.
Behind him struggled a procession of aged monks carrying the Prince’s few simple possessions – his special herbal double bed, his water-colour painting equipment, his forty suitcases full of freshly-pressed Fry & Laurie shirts, a selection of his favourite talking plants and his beloved polo pony, Mummy’s Boy.
At the top of the steps, standing in the monastery’s tiny courtyard, looking down
to the wine-dark Aegean thousands of feet below, was the venerable, black-cloaked figure of the abbot, Father Stassinopoulos.
“Welcome to Mount Bathos, sir,” said the bearded holy man. “Truly God has sent you here, whoever you are.”
“Er, Kalamari,” Charles mumbled, searching hurriedly through his phrase book for an appropriate greeting, “er, retsina, para kalo.”
The old man smiled sympathetically, as he led Charles through a gloomy passageway to his tiny cell, with its window looking out on the gaily-painted fishing boats dotting the distant sea.
“I will leave you alone now to enjoy the silence,” said the abbot. “We eat bread and water at half-past three in the morning, which is our main meal of the day, and then we pray the rest of the day until we go to bed at 5 in the evening. You will soon get used to our simple ways...”

SIMPLE WAYS. That was what Charles had been craving for so long. And here at last on Mount Bathos he felt he had come to the very heart of what the inner-search thingie was all about.
No phones. No television. No journalists hanging around. And, best of all, no women!
Of course, Camilla was a very good egg, in all sorts of ways. And his mother, the Queen, she had her good points, game old thing, and all that.
But goodness me, these monks really had the right idea.
Time to oneself, without some woman breathing cigarette smoke over one’s organic honey-flakes at breakfast, and asking silly questions like “Do you really have to wear a Guards tie with your pyjamas?” or “When are we going to get married, Chazza?”
As he heard the distant chanting of the monks in their chapel hewn from the living rock, he thought of all the sacred wisdom which had been accumulating in this holy place for two thousand years.
What was it his friend and mentor Sir Laurens van der Post had told him, when they were visiting the site of the ancient oracle on the island of Paxos? “It’s all Greek to me”? No, that wasn’t it.
“Never on Sunday”? No, that wasn’t it either.
It would come to him later...

“I WILL come to you later,” the old monk had said. And now here he was, his grizzled beard glinting in the candelight, ready to show him the greatest treasures the monks had accumulated over the millennia.
Charles followed him through the labyrinth of narrow passages, as the monk’s sandals slapped on the polished stone slabs ahead of him.
Stronger and stronger grew the smell of incense as they approached the tiny door of the “Holy of Holies”.
Charles’s heart began to thump faster. This was incredible, he thought. Here he was at the very heart of this whole Orthodox thingie, the faith of his Greek ancestors, going back through his father all the way to... was it Agamemnon, who he’d seen in that new film Camilla had dragged him to in Cirencester...
“... And here you see the very precious icon of Agios Nikolaos.”
The abbot held up a flickering candle to illuminate the cracked surface of the 6th-Century masterpiece.
“And here we have another very sacred icon showing Agios Giorgios, or Saint George as you call him.”
“Oh, yes,” enthused Charles. “He comes from my country, Saint George of England.”
The old monk looked puzzled, but then, his face lighting up, he moved on round the corner. “And here you see the greatest jewel in all our collection!”
Charles was momentarily blinded by the hundreds of candles burning in the incense-laden air at the foot of the largest icon of all.
“Very holy woman, many miracles,” murmured the abbot reverently, “greatest lady who ever lived.”
As the elderly monk prostrated himself on the floor, Charles’s eyes became accustomed to the half-light.
No, oh no, it couldn’t be. Surely not!
But the face looking down on him with an expression of serene contempt was unmistakable.
“Yes,” whispered Father Stassinopoulos, “it is Agia Diana, Saint Diana.”
At that moment, an Aegean breeze wafted down the passageway, extinguishing the candles in a sudden gust.
Charles stood alone in the darkness. It really was, what was the word? Appalling...

© Sylvie Krin, runner-up in the Betty Trash Romantic Fiction Award 1994, sponsored by EasyJet, “the no-planes airline”.





issue no. 1107
next issue due 10 June 2004

[sweetpea]

Well, here's another before I leave HK.

What is this thing that...
You see it but you won't buy it,
You buy it but you won't use it,
You use it but you won't know it???


Answer to follow in a couple of days...
Ciao...will be on the plane tomorrow!

[Lammarite]

A couple was watching a documentary on the Discovery Channel about an African tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When a male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and a weight is attached to the other end. After a while, the weight stretches the length of the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, "Whadaya say we try that African string-and-weight procedure?"
Her husband agreed and they tied and string and weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're half-way there," he replied.

"You've grown to 12 inches?!" she said, astonished.

"No ... it's turned black," he answered

[HKFella]

Scientific Equivalents

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1
bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 365.25 days of drinking lowcalorie beer because it's less filling = 1
lite year

8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

9. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

11. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

12. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line (think about it
for a moment)

13. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

14. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone

15. 1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

16. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

17. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds (work on it . . .)

18. 10 cards = 1 decacards

19. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

20. 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen

21. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

22. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

23. 10 rations = 1 decaration

24. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

25. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

26. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms

27. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
Hospital = 1 I.V. League


-------------------------------------

Sxxxxxxx Jokes make a comeback:

Banta has a habit of buying things immediately after
reading advertisements about the products in the
paper. Naturally, his wife, Preeto, is none too happy
about it.

One day Banta reads an ad about a sale on
steel-belted radial tyres. He jumps up, exclaiming that
he would quickly buy four tires while the sale was on.

Preeto complains, "I don't know what's wrong with
you. You are going to buy four expensive tires when
you've got a crappy old car?"

Banta replies, "Don't make such a big deal about it! I
don't complain when you buy new bras, do I?"

[Ace]

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. "Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen." "But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party." "Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper. "'Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply.

[Lammarite]

A couple's taking a walk, and as they walk hand-in-hand, the guy starts to get aroused. He's just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I have to take a pee." He says, "Sure, go behind the hedge." She disappears behind the hedge, and as he waits, he hears the sound of her jeans being rolled down her legs and imagines her exposed twat. He can't contain himself, so he reaches through a gap in the hedge and touches her leg. Then he moves his hand up her thigh until he finds himself gripping something long and thick between her legs. He says, "My God, Mary, did you change your sex?" She says, "No, I changed my mind. I'm taking a shit instead."

[Indi_glow]

In a village in Africa, there lived a Chinese monk who had travelled far & wide to spread his religion.

He taught the villagers that prostitution, fornication, adultery, etc. was immoral and that one could go to hell for it.

One day an African woman gave birth to a Chinese baby. The
Villagers who were stunned turned to their chief for an answers. The chief went to the monk and asked what it was all about since there was not a single Chinese man within a radius of 5000 Kms around his village.

The monk looked out into the pastor of sheep and said, "Its an
Act of God."

"You see those little black sheep’s out there?" "Do you see how both parents are white but the kids are all black?" "It’s just an act of God providing variety & you should never question god."

The chief pulled the monk to a corner & whispered "I won't question you about the Chinese baby anymore but you should promise me that you’ll keep your mouth shut about those black baby sheep."

[Max]

Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made,
his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to
the truck and head down the road. Coming out of his garage rain is pouring
down; it is like a torrential downpour.

There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.
Minutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and
turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather
all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and
slips back into bed.

Then he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily
replies, "I know. Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that
shit?"