| From today's paper
well actually from the 26th, but I only read it today
Signposts: confrontation
Glynis Ferguson
During coaching sessions with clients, when asked what challenges they face, many talk at some point about having to deal with someone who is "angry" or "aggressive". My first question is, "How do you define angry or aggressive?" Some people use the words interchangeably. Others make a distinction by describing aggression as one person wanting to dominate another.
My next question is, "What is the challenge in dealing with someone who is angry or aggressive?" When we dig deeper, what the client often discovers is a fear of being vulnerable, hurt, rejected, abandoned or ultimately no longer loved by the other.
The most interesting question for me as a coach is my next: "How angry or aggressive do you allow yourself to be?" When my clients are willing to be honest, they become aware that what they dislike in others is often what they are unwilling to accept in themselves.
When Fran started working with me, she revealed that as a child she didn't feel safe when her father got angry with her mother. Not surprisingly, as an adult, she was afraid of anger and conflict. She rarely admitted she was angry and avoided dealing with angry people. She tried to hide her anxiety about confrontation. Yet her stored anger was having an effect on her body. She was exhausted and suffered from throat and bladder problems. She complained that her husband was selfish and aggressive, that their relationship was unequal. She was afraid to speak up because he "might get cross".
Instead she kept quiet, swallowing her anger and complaining to her friends. She felt trapped in a situation she had created through her fear of conflict. She had failed to assert her personal power, to stand firm and state what she wanted and needed.
I asked Fran to consider whether anger is there to guide you to be true to yourself and help you to have healthy relationships. She told me she valued honesty, so I asked how she could be emotionally honest without expressing all her feelings. And how then could she achieve intimacy? Could she replace the idea of confrontation as an opportunity to clarify? Avoiding challenging conversations with aggressive people holds us back from being true. It means we are not willing to take responsibility and clarify what is possible.
Fran was tired of living a lie and giving her power away. She decided to risk having a clarifying conversation. She used the following skills/tools to move forward:
* She chose to vent her anger. I offered a safe place for her to do that, to honour her feelings and release her pain. I listened without judgment and gave no advice.
* In having the clarifying conversation with her husband, she committed to practise listening so that her husband would feel heard.
* She agreed to be willing not to take anything personally, even if he had different views.
* She chose to say what she thought, felt and needed - and to make open, clear statements, to be specific about requests rather than pussyfoot around the issue. Being specific helps to avoid being judgmental or disapproving.
* She decided to ask how she could support him.
* She was willing to love and respect herself, keep herself safe, by creating boundaries if necessary, remembering that there is never any reason to tolerate abuse whether it be emotional, verbal or physical. When someone dumps their toxic anger on us, there is no justification for this and we get to say we will not accept it.
The last skill I asked Fran to practise was compassion for herself and whoever she perceived to be angry or aggressive. She needed to be willing to see them as innocent, knowing that when people behave in an angry or aggressive way they are simply acting out in fear. Angry and aggressive people simply want love and acceptance.
We had a role-playing session. Fran tried out her clarifying conversation. When the real conversation happened, she was fearless, and the gift was connection.
Glynis Ferguson is a member of The Hong Kong International Coaching Community (info@coachinghk.org).  | 
I don't know how I should deal with difficult my American co-worker 
