[NEERAJ]

DAD FINDS A BRIDE FOR HIS SON.

Father: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son: "I will choose my own bride!"
Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son: "Well, in that case...ok"

Next Father approaches Bill Gates.

Father: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"

Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case...ok"

This is how business is done!!
Moral: Even If you have nothing, You can get Anything. But your attitude should be positive

[NEERAJ]

guy dials home from work. A strange woman answers.
GUY: "Who is this?"
MAID: "This is the maid."
GUY: "We don't have a maid!"
MAID: "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
GUY: "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
MAID: "Ummm..... she's upstairs with someone whom I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming.
GUY: " Listen, would you like to make 50,000 bucks?"
MAID: "What do I have to do?"
GUY: "I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that lady and the jerk she is with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears the footsteps, followed by two gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone.

MAID: "What should I do with the bodies?"
GUY: "Throw them in the swimming pool!"
Maid: "What? But there's no pool here!"

Long pause.........................
GUY: "Uh.. Is this 8324825?"
MAID: "No."
GUY: "Oh.. Sorry......Wrong number.."

[donabel_beltran]

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were
looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life
Dilbert-comic-strip-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes
from the managers we work for in corporate America , circa 2004:

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the
building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next
Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This
was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA)

"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll
let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota
Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday.
When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to
miss work on the busiest day of the ye ar. He then asked if we could
change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not
going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T
Long Lines Division)

[Netfiend]

A Mail from a frustrated victim of chain mails even if u have read it ..)


I wanted to thank all my friends and family who have forwarded chain
letters to me in 2003 & 2004.

Because of your kindness:

I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains.

I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.

I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they
cause cancer.

I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes
even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with
a perfume sample and try to rob me.

I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to dial
a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda,
Singapore and Tokyo.

I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get
sick from the rat feces and urine.

When I go to parties, I don't look at any girl, no matter how hot she is,
for fear that she will take me to a hotel, drug me then take my kidneys and
leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that
was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times.
(Poor girl! she's been 7 since 1993...)

I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made expecting the $15,000
that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in
their special e-mail program would arrive soon.

My free Nokia phone never arrived and neither did the free passes for a
paid vacation to Disneyland.

Still open to help some from Bulgaria who wants to use my account to
transfer his uncle property of some hundred millions $.


IMPORTANT NOTE:

If you do not send this e-mail to at least 1246 people in the next 10
seconds, a bird will SH** on your head today at 6:30pm.

[phooey]

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he
saw two men along a country roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate the situation. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have
to eat grass."

Shocked, the lawyer said, "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you."

"But sir. I have a wife and two children with me. They are over
there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor
man he said, "You come with us, too."

The second man said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with
me!"

"Bring them all!" the lawyer answered. They all jammed into the
huge limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and
said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

Genuinely touched, the lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll
really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high....

[sylvesterjay]

I love this one, because it's exactly the way a man would think...

A nurse is sponge-bathing a woman in a coma. As she washes her private parts, she notices a spike in the heart and brain monitoring machines. Figuring some sexual stimulation might bring her out of the coma, she mentions this to the womans husband. Initially reluctant, the husband agrees and goes into the room.

A few minutes later all hell breaks loose as the alarms go off. The nurses and doctors charge into the room in time to see the man zipping up his pants.

"Ummm, I think she choked!"

[sylvesterjay]

Why'd the monkey fall out the tree?

It was dead!

[Max]

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they could not afford a larger brood.

So the husband went to the doctor and told him they did not want any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem, but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to ten!

The husband said to the doctor, "B'jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me!”

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So, the man went home, lit the bunger and put it a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "One", "Two", "Tree", "Four" "Five".

At which point he paused, placed the beer can in between his legs, so he could continue counting on his other hand!!!!!



n.b. (This procedure also works in New Zealand, Tasmania, and Newfoundland!!!!!)

[Max]

Navajo Wisdom

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or
wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next
time you open a bottle of wine...
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern
Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of
the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked
the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of
thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk
with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking
intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until
she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What in bag?"
asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said,
"It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking
with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."

[Max]

It was a beautiful, warm spring morning. A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress - sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.



As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet, he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.



The husband, noticing the excitement had thought that this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom.

She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did, and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.

This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.



Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.



"Now, tell HIM that you have a headache!"